"Rainbow" (rainbeaux)
06/07/2018 at 16:57 • Filed to: None
0
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"Rainbow" (rainbeaux)
06/07/2018 at 16:57 • Filed to: None | 0
| 12 |
I’ve been considering breaking up with my girlfriend for a while, but I chose to not think about it until after our trip to Ireland. Well, halfway through, she randomly asked me if I thought we were going to be together forever. I had no idea what to say. She read right through my hesitation and, well... long story short, she knows how I feel and I’ve successfully ruined her vacation. I don’t know what to do.
Especially since we live together and she’s going to stay with me indefinitely. The only alternative would be to go live with her abusive, alcoholic mother. I still love her tons and I can’t do that to her.
I just wish I hadn’t waited nearly 3 years. I’ve been uncertain since just a few months after we started dating, but I kept telling myself that I have to keep giving her a chance. The last thing I wanted to do was break her heart. But it’s been so difficult to stay by her through her almost daily mental breakdowns. She needs to get better, for her own sake mostly, but also to take the emotional toll off of me. I can’t be the only one for her to lean on. It’s too much for me.
I know I’m just going in circles here, but that’s just because I’m just typing out my thoughts. I need space, but she deserves someone and she has no one else. I don’t know what to do.
DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By
> Rainbow
06/07/2018 at 17:11 |
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Hang in there. Just explain your thought honeslty, that’s all you can do. And it should like she needs to talk to a therapist, maybe go with her?
Neil drives a beetle and a fancy beetle
> Rainbow
06/07/2018 at 17:28 |
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I don’t know exactly what to say as I can relate to some of this, except, take care of yourself. You are not a bad person for giving time and opportunity to a relationship you had hope for even if you had doubts.
WilliamsSW
> Rainbow
06/07/2018 at 17:30 |
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Sounds like the two of you are due for an open discussion - about how much you care for her and want to see her happy, but at the same time, how you don’t see the two of you together.
Sucks that it happens on vacation, but it is what it is - and the fact that she asked the question leads me to believe she suspected it already.
Also, it’s kinda funny, but the one time I went to Ireland, I went with my then girlfriend and we broke up a day before coming home. Odd.
Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo
> Rainbow
06/07/2018 at 17:39 |
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How much talking do y’all do about life and your relationship?
aquila121
> Rainbow
06/07/2018 at 17:46 |
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Rough situation, I empathize. While the specifics may differ, my experience is that caring for someone and wanting to help them is still very much separate from being in a relationship with them—and the fact that you feel terrible about how it affects her is understandable. Yet, with the amount of time you’ve given to work on said relationship, it sounds like it’s time to weigh what you want a bit more than what is easiest for her. If you stay with someone for whom your heart isn’t in it, they’re not getting the benefit of you at your happiest, and neither are you.
I don’t have any advice that helps her living situation (assuming that you go through with breaking up), but I sincerely doubt that you’re a terrible person. You’re being honest about what you need. And I’m hopeful that the other person can find a situation that’s a better fit for them—be it through professional help, fostering another friendship that can get them back on their feet, or something else. Neither of you want to be spinning your wheels going nowhere. Best of luck.
Mercedes Streeter
> Rainbow
06/07/2018 at 17:54 |
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If you’ve been reading my posts, you’ll know I was literally in the exact same spot nearly exactly 1 year ago. I began to realize that my relationship wasn’t so much a relationship, but a feedback loop of codependency. She needed me for absolutely everything from food to basic every day things like reminding her to take showers and flushing the toilet. Then she was essentially a live-in therapist for me. I began hating myself and knew the relationship was unsustainable. But like you, I didn’t want to break her heart. I also knew that such meant I’d live with an ex indefinitely, so I kinda just let the relationship continue because I didn’t know what to do.
I eventually did do the deed and broke up with Miss Tesla. I did it the day I went on a road trip so I wouldn’t have to face her sadness, at least for a weekend.
If you want my observation, you may end up breaking up with her. You can try to work on things, however if you two are anything like me, your relationship could really only be sustainable if you are not living together. You’re right, she needs to get better, you cannot be her crutch forever. That said, if you want to try therapy, it’s always worth a shot!
Miss Tesla got better without me. She has a job, she’s back on hormones, she’s dating, and IMO she’s actually looking pretty cute. She’s taking care of herself more than she has in years.
Things do get better, and it may be that you have to help her from a distance. The goodbye doesn’t even have to be permanent. Miss Tesla and I are great friends nowadays.
The living situation is a hardest part. She depends on you for everything. After my breakup with Miss Tesla, I realized that her moving out would never happen. Our codependency continued, only without the context of “I love you” with it. She was never going to move unless she was forced to. The reality of that sank in every day until I did the thing I never wanted to do: Sign a 30 notice to move.
She got an additional 30 days to find a place. Unfortunately, everyone closed their doors to her and she ended up temporarily homeless. I hated myself further. If I didn’t break up with her or just agreed to be her caretaker, she wouldn’t be homeless. If I weren’t so selfish, she wouldn’t be homeless. Everyone kept telling me that I couldn’t keep saving her if it meant I wanted to kill myself on a daily basis.She had to do some things for herself. She had two months to move out and she didn’t...at some point I had to stop blaming myself. If she decides to do nothing, that’s not my fault.
Honestly, I don’t have any real advice for the living situation. That one will have to be played by ear unless you two can work out some solution that doesn’t involve the both of you getting worse.
By the way, if you need anything - even just a shoulder to cry on in the middle of the night - please feel free to contact me at:
neonspinnazz30@gmail.com
779-244-9109
I’ll try my best! Final note. Neither of you two should beat yourselves up. You both are wonderful and lovely people. A breakup closes one door, however it opens others.
Cash Rewards
> Rainbow
06/07/2018 at 17:55 |
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Don’t be down on yourself. Honesty is good, and advocating for yourself is necessary and difficult. Neither make you a terrible person. This post definitely makes me believe you’re not a terrible person.
merged-5876237249235911857-hrw8uc
> Rainbow
06/07/2018 at 18:36 |
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As has been said, she needs professional help, and it would be nice if you went with her a few times to get the ball rolling. But she needs to be able to stand on her own and not depend on you for her mental health. Therapy is not a bad thing either. Helped my Wife and I through a rough patch early on.
You are also best to be honest with her and your intentions, because if she is pining for you all this time, she could’ve missing out on other opportunities with other people.
Good luck, breaking up painful.
Jayvincent
> Rainbow
06/07/2018 at 18:40 |
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It sounds like she needs more help than just a supportive significant other... maybe it’s time for better living through medicine and applied chemistry? People can’t change who they are, but sometimes its external things that make them less than they could be and DucST3-Red-1Liter-Standing-By ‘s suggestion of therapy could make the difference in both your lives. Keep us posted and don’t give up, just go in a positive direction, maybe with a little bit of OPPO for directional control.
Future Heap Owner
> Rainbow
06/08/2018 at 04:05 |
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It’s always hard to realize you’re stuck in a local optimum, and that there are ways for things to get better in the long term, but they all involve things getting worse in the short term.
I was in a similar co-dependent relationship once, where we both struggled heavily with mental illness. I realized that if things kept going the way they were going, I was not going to be able to keep it up, let alone get better, so in the long run I wasn’t doing her any favors trying to keep it going for her sake. Ending that relationship ended up being one of the best decisions I ever made.
I’m not trying to say my situation’s like yours, because it wasn’t, but I do suspect you might be on the same trajectory. You have to be able to take care of yourself; if you can’t do that you can’t take care of anyone else. It may feel like being selfish, but in the big picture it’s not.
You’re in a tough situation. There’s no easy path forward. Best of luck, and please keep us as updated as you want us to be.
ateamfan42
> Rainbow
06/08/2018 at 08:35 |
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Well, halfway through, she randomly asked me if I thought we were going to be together forever.
This is why you never ask someone a question to which you don’t REALLY want the answer. If you are sure the answer is going to be the one you want, then there is no need to ask. You should only ask if you aren’t certain what the answer is going to be, AND you really want to hear it.
Nauraushaun
> Rainbow
06/09/2018 at 22:54 |
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Ugh. Shit sucks.